What I did that day was not only uncool and ass, but as well brought shame on our fine institution, and even worsely, bad media to TrojanExterminator Corp. As our awesome Dean Wysiwyg gave me to understand, any drop in revenue for TE Corp. gonna mean less amount of funding for TE College, and future learning associates gonna have to pay for my bad.

And like how fair is that? smiled Dean Wysiwyg, peering at me over his teashades.

Gentlemen and gentleladies of the board, the bad was totally my bad, and I am manning up to that bad. The stunt was my fault, one million percent. And so like just as Dean Wysiwyg suggested me, over mineral waters in his excellent woody office, I am typing you of the board this mail to explain the shit what occurred, to apology myself and ask you to reverse my suspension and reinvigorate me as a learning associate at TrojanExterminator College. I want to be reinvigorated due to I could then graduate and go to work writing code for the company exterminating trojans and worms. Which now, I am realizing, are the real enemy.

So sometimes we might be wanting to ask, What is the idea of going to college? I mean, why bother? Obviously, to gain informations and marketable skills. But I also think that what college is is a time when learning associates are experimenting, “hanging out,” finding out about our own product preferences. This could include things like musical and beverage appreciation, enjoying new slangs, jive-posing in the latest styles, and figuring out what the deal is with our individual orientation—hetero, homo or solo.

This is why you see learning associates doing things that are not smart, things that a working associate would never do. But this is OK due to if an LA does a mistake, productivity is unaffected. It is only him looking like a total goof and so the crime is the punishment, and hopefully he is taking a lesson on board and becoming a valuabler working associate in the future.

And like then so not that it’s any excuse, but this was my thoughts when I started the Future Victims campaign. I am always doing so good in English, compliments and top grades from all teachers. Their encouragings encouraged me to work for the TrojanExterminator College e-paper, which what it is is a joke site where we upload stories that are not the truth. These are stories to put a laugh on your face during unoccupied time.

Example: Giant Cat Chases Learning Associates Like Mice. That was in fact one of mine.

So but like I gained informations about pharmaceuticals in my biology class. Professor Chesney is a great teacher and I want to come out and say that she did not in no way put me up to this. What started the problem instead was how Professor Chesney’s course got me thinking so stubbornly about my mother.

I wanted to make her proud that I am, like her and my dad were, a TrojanExterminator—even if I’m not, like dear old dad, on the varsity debugging team. Sadly, before I could make mom proud, she deanimated. The lawyers talked us into joining a class action due to those new anti-depressants she was knocking back. That settlement, which stops me from naming the company involved, is what enables me to pay the tuition for the privilege of attending TE College.

I like to imagine that there is a secret back-up inside of me where I keep all the things I would never want to forget. Nobody can hack this secret back-up, which I call my heart. During unoccupied time, I daydream that my heart knows this is what my mother would have wanted, and I am feeling slightly better.

And so I was noticing that these drug companies are facing with an avalanche of lawsuits. What I mean is the lawsuits of white paper are falling down like the way a snow avalanche falls. And what I was thinking was: these payouts to citizens who deanimated taking the drugs, like my mom, that is not doing them a lot of good, if you see what I’m meaning. So and citizens taking new drugs now, they could get payouts now and enjoy the payouts before deanimating from the drugs, if that was in fact the cookie-crumble. So this was my thought when I wrote the joke headline:

COMPENSATION NOW FOR FUTURE VICTIMS OF PRESCRIPTION DRUGS!

Of course you are all familiar with this now in famous article, hence I will not repeat it. I regret being so unthinking to upload this not-true story. I regret stating that we could expect the Supreme Court to upload the final judgment in 2021, thus the drug companies owed us one fat payout plus eleven years interest retroactively to 2010. And most of all, I regret libeling companies by name who have made substantial endowments to TE College.

The next day I had bazillions of mails from my fellow learning associates. They were liking my article and wanting to sign a petition which did not exist. So I drew up the petition and everybody was signing. It was strange to transition from invisible man to somebody approachable. I felt quite amnesiac with all these learning associates grin-waving and calling me by the name my mother gave me. Some of these associates were girls who wanted to know what was up with my orientation. I am shy so I told them I am going to work out my product preferences first before doing any joint research on my orientation.

Gentlemen and Gentleladies of the college board, I never expected that this would all get so out of my hand. Once I saw the danger, it was too late to stop this frankenmonster I created. You are all knowing what happened: the t-shirts, the Future Victims bracelets, the boycotts, the banners, the student strike, the demonstrations, the violence with police and arrests, and that one poor learning associate deanimating in custody. Big pharma has defunded the college and it looks like the new IT center will sit unfinished, all cranes and rebar, a raccoon chalet.

It is no secret that TrojanExterminator stock has waltzed off a Himalayan cliff. The media cycle still megaphones our woes.

My feeling is bad. Alone in my dorm, I am ashamed that I have been the causation of this. I have misused my gene-given talent: if I am wanting to write, I should write code for the company, not untruths, no matter what happened to my mom.

As a gesture of my sorriness, I am attaching a new algorithm to this mail. I call it the Bonified Algorithm—it was gonna be my honours project. Now I am turning it over to you and TrojanExterminator Corporation, along with all domestic and international rights and patents which it may get. What it does is you install it and it scans mails or documents and checks them against all relevant databases and wikis. If it finds untruths, a dialog box pops up with a warning:

LIES DETECTED! BONIFIED RECOMMENDS CLOSING THIS DOCUMENT AND MOVING TO QUARANTINE.

There will be automatic updates so that the algorithm catches the latest untruths. Later I will write a professional edition upgrade to catch exaggerations and double bluffs. I am thinking that Bonified will have lots of great applications. And one of those applications will be that this misfortunate episode never, ever happens again. Which is another way for me to apology my behaviour. But I hear you asking why should you believe me, whose untruths have harmed us all so much? And this is just a dead-on point you have there.

So gentlemen and gentleladies of the board, I humbly ask you to install Bonified, restart your systems, and run it on this mail I have written you. When you see how truthfully sorry I am, please reinvigorate me.

Aside from the studies, I need the student prescription drug benefit to get my pills. When I think of my mom, I want to stop taking them. But like our amazing, all-smiling Dean Wysiwyg explained when he took me deck shuffleboarding, he’s taken the pills himself for years. Depression, he said, twirling his cue, is just another trojan to immunize against.

Then the Sun started setting and our ship came in and I knew I had to write you immediately.